Ölmönger Special: Beer events - worth the expectations?

Last time I wrote laughably bitter chapters (1 & 2) about not visiting the beer festivals, the reason was simply that I didn't have the chance to go. Like any Finn - at least any Finnish politician - I thought that what others got but I didn't was taken away from me, and turned the table around so it would seem lucky for me for not having the chance. If that convinced someone, there's a serious need for a therapist for that someone.

This time I'm probably making myself the one in need of therapy by arguing that I had the chance to attend OlutExpo on 28-30 October 2016, but I gave it up. Not because I have something more important to do. Actually I do, now, but's that's not the point of this post. Not because I think that visiting the event would have been a terrible waste of money, time, shoe soles, tastebuds, patience and tolerance for seeing human herds and for hearing stupid trivial shit all around. Well, it would have but that's not the point of this post. The reason is that I'm slowly learning that the chain of high expectations (E), long anticipation (A) and huge disappointment (D) is not for me.

This is how it could have started...

It's not just beer where I hate the EAD chain. For example planning and execution of traveling is another. Our family trip* from last summer is a good example - planned for months and saving the supposed highlight for the last. Eventually the planned highlight, Legoland Billund, turned out to be overhyped and overpriced spoiled amusement park for both the kids and the adults and the lowpoint of the holiday week. Everything else that was planned at most within a week before the trip's start turned out to be great fun. The reason? The EAD chain. (The rainy day in Legoland wasn't.)

Another nice example is sex in a long-term relationship. You both wake up in the realization that there were probably mammoths and dodos on the face of the Earth the last time you fooled around. You pick up your calendars, cross out "that period of the month"**, Mondays, days that your kids have hobbies, days that you have to have common-law relatives or so-called friends visiting, cleaning days and other unsuitable days. Finally, you find that one day couple of weeks later empty and mark it with a pink heart. Then you start planning and organizing of having something romantic for the evening, a nice dinner, candlelight, non-Barry-White music, whips, chains and outfits - you know the drill. Finally, when the actual moment comes, sex isn't great. It's possibly not bad but it would've been better in the moment when you first thought about the extinction of species. The reason? The EAD chain. (No. It's not me, the Omega male.)

...but instead it went this way...

"All right. Very interesting to read about that. But what's the connection between traveling, sex and participating a beer festival?" I hear you asking. Think, dummy, and wait for the bulb to light up. Since it's obviously gonna take more than a little time I'll explain it shortly: OlutExpo is the main beer orgy of the year for beer enthusiasts in Finland with some hundreds of different beers available, many unavailable before and after. That's the rare Finnish sex part. And even though Helsinki and the capital area cover almost 20 % of Finland's population, over 80 % of Finnish people live elsewhere. I know that not all of the Finnish hicks are bulk lager drinkers, and since they live a bit further, they have to travel to the venue in Kaapelitehdas in Helsinki. That's the usual Finnish travel part. Still no light? Sure you can read? If yes, sure you can think? Never mind, let's get on with the story. The other reader is getting bored.

This fall, I had planned to take part in the festival just like I did last year. Already scouted for low-cost bus schedules, made enquiries about sleeping on a friend's couch and even asked the same friend about reserving the Friday and possibly Saturday for beer occultism. Then, a month left to the first day of the event, a disturbing question crossed my mind: is this really worth the fuss? Waiting and planning the visit for some hours? Writing down must-have lists of 35 beers? Traveling three hours per direction? Ruining the whole event checking out what to have next? Wasting couple of days in the limbo of recovery and thinking "Oh, that one was over quickly"? For an overpriced and overcrowded beer event? To get another fine experience of the EAD chain? Fuck no. Instead I noticed that my beer storage's "Getting empty in 1 month" light was flashing and immediately got rid of the problem: at least the lack of good beer doesn't steer me towards OlutExpo. Money well wasted.

I judged my decision as excellent last Friday - a week before the event - when I saw the almost final list of OlutExpo's beers (pdf file). Check it out yourself and yell, if you find something interesting.*** [Hearing just white noise.] Right. Jesus, what a disappointment then and eventually a bore till death it would've been if I had bought the tickets for the event and for the bus beforehand. No, the improvements in the food offerings won't help here, since I wouldn't have traveled there to eat in the first place.

...and ended like that.

So, I could jump in a plane just like that and travel for a holiday to the other side of the world on a very short - say couple of hours - notice. Except that the Significant Other wouldn't be happy, I would ruin my family life for years or probably for good or at least the locks of my home would be changed. Surely, the chain of events from a flirting eye contact, a seducing lick of lips and the exchange of one or two necessary finishing words to wild and spontaneous sex in 10 minutes could be nice for a change. Except that I'm not a porn actor. And in addition, the censorship organ of my own fantasies takes into account my personal qualities: my age, looks, charm, flirting skills, sex appeal and - in the case someone actually thought that the original idea would include the Significant Other - the somewhat unelectric state of my current relationship. The censorship organ doesn't even allow that kind of shit to be presented even in my own brain.

But, I can almost always without planning pick couple of bottles/cans from my beer stash and enjoy them in the terrace, by the fireplace or just sitting on the couch staring at the opposite wall or TV, if I really want to be bored. Almost as quickly, on couple of hours' notice, I can call a friend or two and organize an evening of a pint or two in a local pub and have some oh-so-necessary social interaction while drinking classy beer. So, what's the irreplaceable need that participating in a mass beer event fulfills? Need to get more EAD chain experiences in life? No, thanks.

Someone might suggest: "But hey, you can go there just for fun. Without planning. Spontaneuosly. Get in and grab whatever you like, you know?" Thanks for the answer with a jolly positive attitude, but I can't: it's against my nature. And I'm not Superman, you know: I don't travel the 240 kilometers from Pori to Helsinki and back spontaneously just for fun without planning. So shut the fuck up and shovel your smiling merry advice back to your ass where it came from.

Ölbeat

Of course, the only person I can blame for the mishab of not visiting OlutExpo this fall is me. Since I still believe, that there's a damn good beer out there for Paranoid, I'm settling for this song you can dance to in Kaapelihalli this weekend. I'm away, so get totally wasted from good brews & drams and have some serious fun!

Gnarls Barkley: Crazy (YouTube)

From the 2006 album St. Elsewhere, the song was written by Brian Burton and Thomas Callaway (credited for samples: Gian Franco Reverberi and Gian Piero Reverberi).

* Yes. I'm aware that family trip seems to be a bad example, because you think that they are always horrible. Of course they are: your family has to travel with you. I would also think that traveling with a family would be a subject of Stephen King's next trilogy if I had to travel with you. I would be the first person to get possessed and jump off a moving car in Golden Gate Bridge.
** I'm not The Oarsman of Red Rapids. Am I picky?
*** For clarification: "interesting" doesn't mean the same as "haven't ticked that". For tickers there are probably dozens of new beers available. Since I'm not a ticker i.e. a God but rather a mortal earthling, I haven't been able to understand what's the actual idea of doing a neverending list of rated or drunk beers. There are beers to remember but most of the already-had beers you can forget. But I accept the fact that my capacity is limited.