Ölbeats at 300 by Tags: Country

Celebrating the 300 Ölbeats and an uneven number of other stories, Skitbits and stuff, I decided to stop for a moment and look back at the blogposts. How have I spent the virtual space of the blog? What countries and breweries have had the questionable honor to be present on the blog the most? Which artists have gotten the most playing time at the blog?

Have I been unjust towards others - whether we talk about, for example, the styles in beer or music? Well, of course I have: I like IPAs and barley wines more than, say, wild ales and dubbels. I like Iron Maiden and Led Zeppelin more than Finnish evergreens and the crap they call Suomirap.

First in the line are the countries of the beers' origin.

In a stat post you just got to have a histogram, don't you?

First of all, since I don't have a scientific mind or a statistical memory I was surprised of how few countries' beer I have reviewed. The total number of countries is 18. I thought that from the 300 Ölbeats and ten-something Skitbits would include brews from at least 20 countries. But I was wrong. One huge surprise in the countries completely missing from the list is Czech Republic - not one brew from the country that is one of the best known beer countries in the world. I even started drinking beer years ago with Urquell, Budvar and Krusovice. Shame on me! The Irish beers are completely missing, too, but do they really have something else than Guinness? Of course they do, just have to find them.

Another surprise was how unevenly the amount of different beers is divided between the countries. Only Italy, New Zealand and Russia have just one Ölbeat on their belt, other countries have two or more. Spain, Sweden, Poland and Iceland have less than five Ölbeats each. Scotland, Norway and Belgium are 8th, 9th and 10th with 10, 9 and 8 beers, respectively. Denmark is 7th with 16 Ölbeats, while Germany and Netherlands share the 5th place with 18 brews both. These forementioned countries cover roughly only one third of the beers reviewed.

England comes 4th with 24 brews - no surprise, since breweries like Thornbridge and Buxton aren't considered hostile visitors at the blog. United States gets the bronze in the contest - the availability of American brews has gotten better in Finland. The growth in the number of microbreweries in Estonia - and probably my fandom towards a couple of breweries there - gives the country the 2nd place in the contest so far. Estonian, American and English brews make approximately one third of the blog's stories.

Number one shouldn't be a surprise to anyone: Finland. All in all, this is still a Finnish beer blog and most of the beers available in Finland are Finnish. That's the simple reason for the bright yellow jersey in this phase of the race.

However, I think that only one third of the beers in the blog are from Finland. Almost all Skitbits are Finnish, I've reviewed parts of two Alko artisan spring selections of almost ten beers each and I have considered The Flying Dutchman a Finnish brewery. So there is a base for even higher number of Finnish beers. But there aren't. Probably because in this phase of my hobby I'm still curious and willing to taste foreign beers two times as often as Finnish beers.

And this blog isn't a website that exists mainly for promoting the export of Finnish quality brews. Why? Well, that's a good question. Probably since I'm perfectly unwilling to do that kind of shit without decent contract and paycheck.

The best from the biggest

So, what are the three best Finnish beers in the blog so far. We'll have to shortlist first because there have been dozens good ones from Finland. Let's pick the winning trio from these ten:

• Ölbeat 022: Beer Hunter's Mufloni Imperial Stout
• Ölbeat 051: Malmgård Emmer IPA
• Ölbeat 081: Hiisi Pecko Brett IPA
• Ölbeat 100: Mufloni CCCCC IPA
• Ölbeat 136: The Flying Dutchman More Complicated Than Your Girlfriend Stout
• Ölbeat 147: Plevnan Siperia Imperial Stout (2015, stored for 1 year)
• Ölbeat 172: Mallaskosken Black Imperial Rye
• Ölbeat 187: Malmgård Barley Wine
• Ölbeat 214: Hiisi Ikiiurso
• Ölbeat 235: Pyynikin Bourbon Barrel Aged Imperial Stout 

In the end, the choice was easy. The lucky three winners, in the order of Ölbeat number, are:

From left: Mufloni CCCCC IPA, Malmgård Barley Wine and Pyynikin BBA Imperial Stout

Mufloni CCCCC IPA got to the podium because of consistency. I've found some differences between the best and the good batches, but it's always a sure, fresh and solid choice.

Malmgård Barley Wine is one of the rare Finnish barley wines and according to my taste, after some maturing, the only really delicious one that has been well available. Have to admit that the first contact wasn't unforgettable but the second one over half a year later was.

Pyynikin Bourbon Barrel Aged Imperial Stout strikes directly to the perfect button of a fan of impies and bourbon. Both the beer and the barrel show up in the beautiful flavour. Excellen from the tap, too.

Ölbeats as they were

Mufloni CCCCC IPA

Guns N' Roses: Paradise City (YouTube)

From the 1987 album Appetite for Destruction, the song was written by Guns N' Roses.

Malmgård Barley Wine

Nightwish: The Islander (YouTube)

From the 2007 album Dark Passion Play, the song was written by Marco Hietala and Tuomas Holopainen.

Pyynikin Bourbon Barrel Aged Imperial Stout

Cold Kingdom: Let It Burn (YouTube)

From the 2015 album The Moon and the Fool, the song was written by Cold Kingdom.

Ölmönger Special: The Long Road to Winston - Brewery Tour de Pori

The annual Microbrewery Beer Festival at Pub Winston (in Finnish: Pub Winstonin pienpanimo-olutjuhla) is held this weekend, on Friday and Saturday 11-12 August. I visited the event last year on both days and will be there this time, too.

Couple of days ago I thought about how to get there on Friday. Because thinking doesn't help in moving person X from place A to place B, I jumped on my bicycle and rode to the sunset to find out. The result was, of course, unobvious and far from a shortcut: I decided to make my way to the festival venue via all five active breweries in Pori.

Because combining drinking beer and riding a bike is stupid and dangerous, I didn't stop at the breweries for a pint. I didn't even go inside any brewery, because I don't (need to) learn a shit about brewery equipment and because breaking in to a locked building is a crime in Finland. Nobody seemed to be there - except the last two stops.

Actually I left for the tour spontaneuosly and didn't have time to contact the breweries at all. I just picked to route from Google Maps, cycled around the city for a while and took some bad pictures on the way. I'll leave the development of the actual beer tourist tour of Pori to professionals or craft beer activists.      

Brewery Tour de Pori  (on Google Maps)

With this you'll only get lost.

One pic helps in telling the story without thousands of words. I started the tour from Pori railway station or SAMK Campus Pori, and headed for the long straight of Pori airport. I stopped by or near the breweries in this order:

• Rocking Bear Brewers (Kuriiritie 12)
• Moose On The Loose Brewing (Ojantie 37)
• Beer Hunter's Herralahti (Korjuuntie 24 - in the map: Helmentie 6)
• Ruosniemen Panimo (Eetunkuja 6)
• Beer Hunter's Restaurant (Antinkatu 11)

Finally, from the last stop I walked across the street to the door of Pub Winston (Gallen-Kallelankatu 8). The distances of each stage can be picked from the map.

Cycling the 20 kilometres' route took me a couple of hours with planned and unplanned stops and a couple of "Where in the f**k is the brewery?" wondering situations. Faster cyclists would ride the route through in less than an hour (but why?), and for scenery dreamers it could take up to three hours (again, why?). With brewery visits and something to eat and drink on the way, I'll leave scheduling the tour and counting the time to those who make money out of it or to those who have more idle time in their hands than me.

Pori railway station

SAMK Campus Pori

Pori airport terminal

Stage 1: Rocking Bear Brewers

Homepage (in Finnish) * Facebook * Ratebeer

The right name of the road...

...the brewery is there somewhere.*

Rocking Bear Brewers was founded in 2015. First commercial brews came available in summer 2016. The thing of the brewery is naming their beers according to the districts of Pori. Also there seems to be some rocking bear spirit involved, at least the labels give that impression.

Above the Pori - Helsinki freeway

Stage 2: Moose On The Loose Brewing Company

Homepage (in Finnish) * Facebook * Ratebeer

The correct address...

...and doors to the brewery on the right.

Moose On The Loose Brewing Company was founded in 2016. First commercial brews came available during spring 2017. The brewery is a family business of husband and wife. According to the homepage they want to make people, story and community stronger in Finnish beer culture.

Along the path to Herralahti...

...it's nice to take bad scenery pics!

Stage 3: Beer Hunter's, Herralahti

Homepage (in Finnish) * Facebook * Ratebeer

There it is - in the hall that says Nostorent!

Panimoravintola Beer Hunter's started brewing in 1998. This brewery in Herralahti was started in 2014. It is the brewing company's larger brewery of the two existing ones, where the core products and larger batches are brewed. The brewing company had another brewery called Ravintola Panimo, previously Karhupanimo, from 2012 to 2014 in the riverbank, but it was shut down when Herralahti brewery started.

Kokemäenjoki eastward from Kristiinansilta...

...and the same river westward from the same bridge.

Stage 4: Ruosniemen Panimo

Homepage (in Finnish) * Facebook * Ratebeer

"What was the name of the brewery...?"

Ruosniemen Panimo was founded in 2011 and the company is registered to Espoo.** The company's only brewery, however, started in Pori in 2012. The slogan of the brewery, "Insinöörien panemaa", translates well to "Brewed by engineers". Their brews are named after working titles, occupational qualifications and other human/group-connected common nouns, like Lomittaja (Stand-in), Insinööri (Engineer) and Turisti (Tourist).

Groovy-looking Ruosniemi church...

...more Kokemäenjoki and more bridges!

Stage 5: Beer Hunter's, Restaurant

Homepage (in Finnish) * Facebook * Ratebeer

I think I've been here before...

Panimoravintola Beer Hunter's started in 1998. The same year brewing was started in the restaurant premises. The company's small brewery is still functional and it's used for special and small batches. There's a small scale distillery, started in 2001, is located there, too. The restaurant specializes in malts: there are 24 taps, over 200 different bottled/canned beers and around 300 different whiskies available. My favourite place in Pori, for sure.

Goal: Pub Winston

Homepage (in Finnish) * Facebook * Ratebeer

...and after picking the road left: the goal!

Pub Winston started in 1983. It's known for being a true sports bar - e.g. every Porin Ässät ice hockey home match has its pregame and aftergame sessions here. For a sports bar, their beer selection is very good, especially bottlewise. Since 2014 the bar has been a venue of yearly microbrewery festival, Pub Winstonin Pienpanimo-olutjuhla. 

And the festival is the reason why I head there tomorrow and probably the day after, if it was still unclear to anyone. For those who are actually coming to the festival, I suggest a bit shorter route from the stations or from the parking lot. Both Beer Hunter's and Pub Winston are near to the market place, so both the festival venue and the afterparty bar are very easy to find.

A long, long road

All in all, local breweries are surely one thing I like in Pori. I hear somebody saying: "Like? I think you love them." Love? Lord above. Now you're tryin' to trick me to love. Don't you know that love is a long, long road.

Ölbeat

Of course, I should pick a true Pori song here. From Dingo, Yö or Mamba, for example. Well, I don't. It isn't Monday, so it isn't the time for those songs. Instead, I give you two good songs to stop the whining.

Free: All Right Now (YouTube)

From the 1970 album Fire and Water, the song was written by Andy Fraser and Paul Rodgers.

Tom Petty: Love Is a Long Road (YouTube)

From the 1989 album Full Moon Fever, the song was written by Tom Petty and Mike Campbell.

* I have to admit that I didn't remember the full address and that I didn't bother to check it out from my phone.
** So, is Ruosniemen Panimo the oldest active brewery in Espoo? Not Fat Lizard? No, it's not, but who cares?

Ölmönger Tales: New Brewery, Beer Festival & Stuff

The blog personality Ölmönger heard a rumour that the beeroholic Ölmönger has a bunch of things going on. The blogger put his amateur journalist hat on and attacked the wanna-be hipster side personality with some questions. Get ready for the best interview ever.

* * *

So, the word on the street says that you're starting to brew?

Hell yeah. Doing my share of beer culture and giving something back to the beer community. Getting older and wiser. Growing to be a better person. Going commercial as soon as possible. It's going to be huge.

Wait a minute. Commercial? How? You haven't done a single homebrew yet.

Well, sometimes you have to triple jump before you learn to crawl. Even monkeys can be tought to brew, so since I don't own a monkey and don't care for child labour, I'm teaching myself. The washing machine turns nicely into a mash tun, the words aren't so different, see: wash - mash. And I've got enough kettles for boiling, ya know. And somehow the tumble dryer will turn into a fermenter. At least there's some organic stuff already there. From my socks and the lady's panties. Some natural bacteria and yeast for great Belgians like Leffe. Awesome, right?

Time and temperature is everything.

Right. Very... interesting. Do you think that there's room for a fifth commercial brewery in Pori?

Pori? You're thinking that I'd compete in the same league with Beer Hunter's and Ruosniemi. Hell no. I'm catching some bigger fish, not even peeing in that direction. The aim is much higher than to settle to the destiny a low quality microbrewer. The brews will be great - experimental, ideally having the flavour and complexity of delicious lagers, say, Bud Light, Koff Lite or Carlsberg. There's surely an open market for these kind of brews among the beer fanatics and experts. The yearly festival will boost the success of the brewery.

Festival? I thought you were against the festivals.

No, I'm not. Where does the media get these false accusations? But still, this would be completely different kind of festival. Better. Not many breweries, just one - mine. Not any special rare available-only-here barrel-aged sour watermelon octopus-arm milk stouts, just pale lagers or only one great. The program, that would be the killer.

All right. What would the program be like then?

Good question. You're getting there. Right. It would be all about discussion on beer. Well, not actually on beer itself but at least two topics attached to it. Ok?

First would be beer culture. I know, I know. There's already been a lot of discussion around it. But the focus wouldn't be so clear, coherent and well-defined it has recently been. We would step out from the meaningfulness of the ongoing discussion. Just chit-chat pointlessly around the topic like the word wouldn't mean a shit. Defining the term completely wrong. Creating a concept out of blah. Talking about Finnish beer culture in separation from beer's status in Finnish culture. Comparing our beer culture to other countries' beer cultures and judging it good or bad. Looking at the beer culture only with the eyes of a beer enthusiast or beer journalist. Basically, grabbing onto the nonsense that isn't present in the ordinary discussion about the topic. Just for fun - beer culture first. Beer culture. First.

Second would be another usual topic. Alcohol politics in Finland. Instead of taking the aspect of the common discussion where people fluently combine the pros and cons of liberal and conservative views onto the subject, analyze them and make sensible arguments, the rationality of that kind of debate would be abandoned. People would be forced to two completely separate camps. The pro-liberal/contra-conservative side would take the selfish point of view: whine how bad the monopoly is or how the beer costs too much, claim that it should be everyone's own business how they consume beer and show worry about how it makes living difficult when beer isn't delivered straight to your fridge and when beer is not made to look like the most important thing in an individual's life. The pro-conservative/contra-liberal side would only moan about the unproved problems and health issues that the wider availability or lower taxation would cause, forget completely about people's ability to think for themselves and shut up about the alcohol tourism from Finland to the Baltic countries. That kind of "he's right who shouts loudest" opinion battle between idiots and nitwits would be refreshing compared to the intelligent discussion we're having right now. It would be pointless and idiotic like election debates are and Finnish rap battle would be but man, it would be entertaining and tickets would be quickly sold out. Never mind the bollocks, here's the beer debate.

Whatcha think? Can you make it? It'll probably be on 29-31 February next year. It will be huge.

Today's cheers!

Gee, haven't made plans that far yet. Any news on the blog?

Not much to tell, actually. The breweries are clearly competing, who'll get their sample brews to the blog next, as usual. You wouldn't believe how nasty and competitive Belgian monks can be towards each other. Had to put Tree House on hold for a while, probably will tell them soon that as a heterosexual I'm not that keen on brews named Julius. It's pretty annoying when there are more than six shipments from different breweries at the same time at the front door. Of course, it's still hard to handle all the money breweries and distributors are paying for the stories. Makes one think about leaving the day job, you know? But I can't do that, can I? Otherwise it's pretty clear that the blog's story will stop after Ölbeat 250. Ok?

Anything you would like to say to the blog readers?

No.

Please? [shows a 24-pack of Karhu III]

Damn. All right. Happy April Fool's day to everyone. Don't eat too much herring and drink too much Omnipollo's Yellow Belly today. 

Thanks for the interview.

Don't give a shit. Get the f**k outta here. Now.

Ölbeat

Really? Well, that's only what you think.

The Who: Won't Get Fooled Again (YouTube)

From the 1971 album Who's Next, the song was written by Pete Townshend.

Ölmönger Special: Destroying beer advent calendars

To make it clear from the start: I don't hate Christmas or December. Christmas is a rare season of peace and solitude. Something that the Modern Man doesn't value the way he should. And December is a month. December is. I find it hard to actually hate things that just are and don't do anything: weather, time, distances and the mayors of Finnish cities.

But I hate Xmas. The commercial shit that runs over us from the end of September and starts a week-long preparation three months too early. People start the yearly (Russian?) gift roulette, overcrowd every shop, mall and supermarket and empty even the web shops from crap you don't know that even exists. In the Xmas rush people actually show more hate towards each other than during the rest of the year altogether, fighting over the last piece of whatever is the G.I. Joe action figure, PS4 game, must-have knick-knack in cooking or other completely useless hit item this Xmas. And it's peace we're celebrating, right?

But, in the morning of the 1st of December kids get to open the long anticipated first door of their advent calendar. In the simple and smart versions of calendars there are only season-related drawings and possibly short texts i.e. verses of poems or songs - no crappy toys, no cheap chocolate, no stupid lotteries. The idea of the calendar is to make kids prepare and get anticipated for the highlight of the season, maybe even the year. Calendars aren't supposed to be symbols of commercialization or simple-minded people's craving of material like they usually are.

It's exciting to wait for Christmas...

Anyway, whatever the advent calendars are like, they're fun for the children. But alas, some stupid motherfuckers have ruined the innocence probably with this kind of chain of anti-Heurekas: "Hey, the kids have fun with their calendars. We, adults, don't. But we don't care about toys or chocolate. Hey, there are seasonal beers. Yeah, we could smash the bottles on our heads... (Until this things were fine, but:) Or we could put 24 beers in a box. And have them randomly. Or in any order we like. Hey, but that would be... a beer advent calendar!" And so, as useless invention as life consults, mindfulness and virtual democracy was born once again.

Roughly divided, there are two kinds of beer calendars, do-it-yourself and commercial versions. The idea of a DIY calendar is simple: you have different beer bottles or cans, 24 altogether, you put them in order from 1 to 24 and then you pick one from the 1st of December until the Christmas Eve. If you select the 24 beers and put them in order by yourself, as they usually do, well... The element of surprise - you know what you get each day -  is kinda ruined, isn't it? You could get more surprised by going and picking a random bottle from the store each day. Just a thought about personal excitement, but never mind.

Of course you could have someone else select the beers or just put them in order for you. But then again, in the first case the beers could be nothing you actually wanted to have (as warm-up for the wife's or/and girlfriend's actual christmas gift, eh?) and in the second case at least the cinnamon-cardamom-spiced plum-pudding-flavoured sherry-barreled barley wine would come out the first Monday - not the last Saturday - and your Christmas would be ruined. Tricky, isn't it? You either know what you get or you get what you don't want. Well, it was you who chose to make an advent calendar, so life sucks and then you die, as they say.

The second type are the commercial beer advent calendars. Let's say from a web shop or a single brewery. For the web store a beer calendar is a handy way to get rid of the beers that are getting old in new year or represent the seasonal spiced shit that only sells for poor stupid bastards once a year. "But you get 24 beers in the price of 36. If you check the prices in January. But hey, only once a year we can charge idiotic prices for anything. They call it the Xmas industry, ya know?" The other option is that you buy a calendar from that dumb Swede... sorry, the Dane that walks around his flat naked or in underwear writing recipes for the monkeys who do all the brewing labour. That friend of yours, that Mikkel-whatever.

Anyway, you buy this calendar and savour one of that so-called-brewery's brews every day for 24 days in December. Every day until Christmas Eve you get a new one from Horse's Ass Sweat Brewery. Every frigging day. After a week you'd crave for something good. After two weeks you'd get happy for a can of Bud Light or Koff III behind the next door. If you wouldn't... Have you ever thought about watching the grass grow in summer? Or listening to alarm clock or your phone ringtone as the only noice you hear for a week? Damn, that would be life. I honestly envy the excitement you probably face every day. "But, hey, every beer is great if the label says Mikk..." And bollocks.

...especially when there would be a much cheaper 24-pack available.

The saddest thing is - once again - that there are beer bloggers who ruthlessly try to bring our holiday spirit down and turn the light of Christmas off in the middle of the darkest winter. They start their yearly series of Mr./Mrs. Pig Vomit's Blog Advent Calendar on the 1st of December and torture their readers with daily "I got this behind.../ With anxious excitement I opened.../ Oh, boy! Look what was in... the Nth door." Most of the brews presented are either crap or seasonal crap but every bottle or can gets a shitload of undeserved praise. The long shock therapy ends with mental crucifixion - "That's an Easter thing, not Christmas, you ignorant bastard!" - on Christmas eve: a vanilla-cocoa flavoured Imperial Stout, a German smoked ale or a seasonally cinnamon-spiced Belgian. Goddamn, even Waldo couldn't hide behind that surprise.

All the time the readers are thinking: "What have we done to deserve this nonsense: a grown-up traveling back to his or her childhood excitement - which, by the way, is absolutely alright and sometimes even good for you - but by playing the childish calendar game with alcoholic beverages?" I bet you won't be able to combine a pure childhood experience and drinking beer in any kind of point. Nope, sorry, don't waste your time trying.

So, if you're thinking about making or buying a beer advent calendar or - in the worst case - publishing daily blog entries about one, make the right choice: forget it. Now. If you have already bought one, be a smart dickhead: open every door at once tomorrow and let the world know what you found. And let yourself and us have a merry three-and-a-half-week period before Christmas!

Ölbeat

Now, this is a good question for all people who are enthusiastically, hands shaking waiting to get to cork their calendar. Well, do you? In fact, the song reminds us about the idea of Christmas. Even though, like every charity song before and after, the music has the certain mandatory artificiality and the lyrics are somewhat corny and unimaginative. Not a great song but made to serve a great purpose.

Band Aid: Do They Know It's Christmas? (YouTube)

Published in a single in 1984, the song was written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure.

Ölmönger Special: Beer events - worth the expectations?

Last time I wrote laughably bitter chapters (1 & 2) about not visiting the beer festivals, the reason was simply that I didn't have the chance to go. Like any Finn - at least any Finnish politician - I thought that what others got but I didn't was taken away from me, and turned the table around so it would seem lucky for me for not having the chance. If that convinced someone, there's a serious need for a therapist for that someone.

This time I'm probably making myself the one in need of therapy by arguing that I had the chance to attend OlutExpo on 28-30 October 2016, but I gave it up. Not because I have something more important to do. Actually I do, now, but's that's not the point of this post. Not because I think that visiting the event would have been a terrible waste of money, time, shoe soles, tastebuds, patience and tolerance for seeing human herds and for hearing stupid trivial shit all around. Well, it would have but that's not the point of this post. The reason is that I'm slowly learning that the chain of high expectations (E), long anticipation (A) and huge disappointment (D) is not for me.

This is how it could have started...

It's not just beer where I hate the EAD chain. For example planning and execution of traveling is another. Our family trip* from last summer is a good example - planned for months and saving the supposed highlight for the last. Eventually the planned highlight, Legoland Billund, turned out to be overhyped and overpriced spoiled amusement park for both the kids and the adults and the lowpoint of the holiday week. Everything else that was planned at most within a week before the trip's start turned out to be great fun. The reason? The EAD chain. (The rainy day in Legoland wasn't.)

Another nice example is sex in a long-term relationship. You both wake up in the realization that there were probably mammoths and dodos on the face of the Earth the last time you fooled around. You pick up your calendars, cross out "that period of the month"**, Mondays, days that your kids have hobbies, days that you have to have common-law relatives or so-called friends visiting, cleaning days and other unsuitable days. Finally, you find that one day couple of weeks later empty and mark it with a pink heart. Then you start planning and organizing of having something romantic for the evening, a nice dinner, candlelight, non-Barry-White music, whips, chains and outfits - you know the drill. Finally, when the actual moment comes, sex isn't great. It's possibly not bad but it would've been better in the moment when you first thought about the extinction of species. The reason? The EAD chain. (No. It's not me, the Omega male.)

...but instead it went this way...

"All right. Very interesting to read about that. But what's the connection between traveling, sex and participating a beer festival?" I hear you asking. Think, dummy, and wait for the bulb to light up. Since it's obviously gonna take more than a little time I'll explain it shortly: OlutExpo is the main beer orgy of the year for beer enthusiasts in Finland with some hundreds of different beers available, many unavailable before and after. That's the rare Finnish sex part. And even though Helsinki and the capital area cover almost 20 % of Finland's population, over 80 % of Finnish people live elsewhere. I know that not all of the Finnish hicks are bulk lager drinkers, and since they live a bit further, they have to travel to the venue in Kaapelitehdas in Helsinki. That's the usual Finnish travel part. Still no light? Sure you can read? If yes, sure you can think? Never mind, let's get on with the story. The other reader is getting bored.

This fall, I had planned to take part in the festival just like I did last year. Already scouted for low-cost bus schedules, made enquiries about sleeping on a friend's couch and even asked the same friend about reserving the Friday and possibly Saturday for beer occultism. Then, a month left to the first day of the event, a disturbing question crossed my mind: is this really worth the fuss? Waiting and planning the visit for some hours? Writing down must-have lists of 35 beers? Traveling three hours per direction? Ruining the whole event checking out what to have next? Wasting couple of days in the limbo of recovery and thinking "Oh, that one was over quickly"? For an overpriced and overcrowded beer event? To get another fine experience of the EAD chain? Fuck no. Instead I noticed that my beer storage's "Getting empty in 1 month" light was flashing and immediately got rid of the problem: at least the lack of good beer doesn't steer me towards OlutExpo. Money well wasted.

I judged my decision as excellent last Friday - a week before the event - when I saw the almost final list of OlutExpo's beers (pdf file). Check it out yourself and yell, if you find something interesting.*** [Hearing just white noise.] Right. Jesus, what a disappointment then and eventually a bore till death it would've been if I had bought the tickets for the event and for the bus beforehand. No, the improvements in the food offerings won't help here, since I wouldn't have traveled there to eat in the first place.

...and ended like that.

So, I could jump in a plane just like that and travel for a holiday to the other side of the world on a very short - say couple of hours - notice. Except that the Significant Other wouldn't be happy, I would ruin my family life for years or probably for good or at least the locks of my home would be changed. Surely, the chain of events from a flirting eye contact, a seducing lick of lips and the exchange of one or two necessary finishing words to wild and spontaneous sex in 10 minutes could be nice for a change. Except that I'm not a porn actor. And in addition, the censorship organ of my own fantasies takes into account my personal qualities: my age, looks, charm, flirting skills, sex appeal and - in the case someone actually thought that the original idea would include the Significant Other - the somewhat unelectric state of my current relationship. The censorship organ doesn't even allow that kind of shit to be presented even in my own brain.

But, I can almost always without planning pick couple of bottles/cans from my beer stash and enjoy them in the terrace, by the fireplace or just sitting on the couch staring at the opposite wall or TV, if I really want to be bored. Almost as quickly, on couple of hours' notice, I can call a friend or two and organize an evening of a pint or two in a local pub and have some oh-so-necessary social interaction while drinking classy beer. So, what's the irreplaceable need that participating in a mass beer event fulfills? Need to get more EAD chain experiences in life? No, thanks.

Someone might suggest: "But hey, you can go there just for fun. Without planning. Spontaneuosly. Get in and grab whatever you like, you know?" Thanks for the answer with a jolly positive attitude, but I can't: it's against my nature. And I'm not Superman, you know: I don't travel the 240 kilometers from Pori to Helsinki and back spontaneously just for fun without planning. So shut the fuck up and shovel your smiling merry advice back to your ass where it came from.

Ölbeat

Of course, the only person I can blame for the mishab of not visiting OlutExpo this fall is me. Since I still believe, that there's a damn good beer out there for Paranoid, I'm settling for this song you can dance to in Kaapelihalli this weekend. I'm away, so get totally wasted from good brews & drams and have some serious fun!

Gnarls Barkley: Crazy (YouTube)

From the 2006 album St. Elsewhere, the song was written by Brian Burton and Thomas Callaway (credited for samples: Gian Franco Reverberi and Gian Piero Reverberi).

* Yes. I'm aware that family trip seems to be a bad example, because you think that they are always horrible. Of course they are: your family has to travel with you. I would also think that traveling with a family would be a subject of Stephen King's next trilogy if I had to travel with you. I would be the first person to get possessed and jump off a moving car in Golden Gate Bridge.
** I'm not The Oarsman of Red Rapids. Am I picky?
*** For clarification: "interesting" doesn't mean the same as "haven't ticked that". For tickers there are probably dozens of new beers available. Since I'm not a ticker i.e. a God but rather a mortal earthling, I haven't been able to understand what's the actual idea of doing a neverending list of rated or drunk beers. There are beers to remember but most of the already-had beers you can forget. But I accept the fact that my capacity is limited.

Ölmönger Special: Why do bloggers receive beer samples?

As the summer was reaching its end in August, some Finnish beer bloggers posted that they had received a beer box from a Finnish microbrewery. In the beginning of September, some bloggers had received one or two cans of beer that was supposed to hit the stores in the middle of the month for pre-tasting. In the end of the month there was another can delivery. And this has been going on for some time: every now and then an individual blogger or a bunch of bloggers receives a delivery from a Finnish brewery.

I didn't get either of the brewery packages and haven't got any of the previous ones. Probably because this blog sucks ass and has no readers, and the people at the breweries see it. Or probably because I haven't begged anyone to send me free beer. Anyway, in a burst of envy, jealousy and feeling slightly pissed off I'm writing about:

• Why didn't I get the free beers others did?
• Why did the others get the free beers?
• Why do I moan about it?
• Why are you still reading? (Grab a beer and go Pokemon-hunting!) 

My fav fictitious freebie label #1

For amusement, let's suppose that I would have got the same beers the others did if I only had asked for them. The brewery would have sent me the package since I showed interest towards their products. Everyone would have been happy: I'd get some beers to drink for free and the brewery would get their beers consumed the right way. Let's stop the amusement ride for a moment and think what's missing there. Oh, yes: the brewery doesn't actually get anything with this system.  

The obvious answer to the first question was in the beginning: this blog actually isn't among the popular beer blogs of Finland. And it should never be if there's any justice, literacy and need for good beer blogs left in the world. Whether I wanted free beer from the breweries or not, it doesn't make a difference, since there's no audience. I suppose that the Finnish breweries don't send any blogger any free beers just for fun or to show kindness. It's not customary to give people anything for free without expectations of favours in return, is it?

So, what's the expected favour in return? Why did the other bloggers get the free beer samples? First, their blogs are way more popular than mine: there's a difference between mentioning to 1'000 active followers about getting some samples from the brewery and mentioning it to almost three random people. Secondly, if there's no written contract between the brewery and the blogger, it's an unwritten rule to post about gift you get. If you don't follow the unwritten rule for one reason or another they'll stop sending you the packages. If there's a contract, well, they've got you by the balls, which makes you suffer and eventually die. Simple. Thirdly, it doesn't actually matter whether the popular blogger gives the beer a good or a bad review. If it's good, it's less than mediocre and relatively free advertising and good publicity for the brewery. If it's bad, it's bad but almost free advertising and still good publicity for the brewery. To sum it up, bloggers get free beer samples just and only to boost the sales of the brewery's beers.

"So you really expect me to review this sh*t?" (Picture source: YLE)

So what's so bad or wrong about this, except the fact that I don't get free beers? To put the facts straight: I don't even want free beers posted to me. At least not the crap Finnish breweries are sending to bloggers. If someone is considering about sending me some critically acclaimed beers or their barrel-aged versions I'll reconsider. If someone in a brewery would like to thank me for making a nice post about their beer or brewery recently I wouldn't neglect. If someone would like his/her homebrew matched with a song I would suggest an exchange: I'll get you a commercial bottle for a homebrew bottle but not by post - let's meet. Otherwise I'll promise to return to sender every corruption beer package* and stamp them with a "Fuck off" sticker, make a blogpost about each incident and finish making Ölbeats about the beers of the breweries in question. By the way that's a promise, not a threat, so people at the breweries: start packing and posting the cans and bottles.

Nothing is "bad" or "wrong" with other bloggers receiving free beer. The thing is that posting any kind of reviews about these free beers turns a blogger into a viral marketer a.k.a. (Every) Brewery's Bitch. Suddenly you can see the same beer reviewed in different blogs in a relatively short time window, or at least some "I happened to get a free sample set from Horse's Ass Sweat Brewery, so there'll be some reviews about them here later" notifications. That just makes the beer blog scene look like a weak-willed and easily-manipulated herd. Nothing forces several bloggers to post about the same beers at the same time. Beer bloggers differ from let's say movie critics in the sense that there are more new different beers available at the same time than there are new movies shown in theatres. And there are always lots of timeless or rare beers available to write the blog reviews about. So it's no way natural for, say, six or seven bloggers publishing posts about the same beer samples at the same time. In the world of animals, that's called being on a leash, living in a cage or settling for the part of a subordinate in the herd.

Making an odd comparison to music artist and bands, there's a difference between ones playing for money (professionals), ones playing for charity and fun (amateurs) and ones playing for a beer case (Can Neither Play Nor Sing people) - we all know that**. Things are alright if you have black on white with a brewery about your marketing efforts, and in addition to free samples you get paid or at least some other money worth privileges for the job. But if you're blogging for a hobby and thinking that "I'm taking the beer culture forward" by doing unprofessional marketing for breweries for free beers, would you mind showing up with an "Every Brewery's Bitch" T-shirt or jacket on the next beer festival? I can sketch a badge or a forehead tattoo mold for you, if you prefer those. I don't believe that you'd earn any free beers or even a free attendance, but people would surely know your game. Of course, there's a difference between being someone's bitch on purpose and being someone's bitch accidentally, but that's a different story.

My fav fictitious freebie label #2

It's got nothing to do with respect either: there's none exchanged from the brewery to the blogger and none from the blogger to the brewery. The brewery's interest, to sell more beer to more consumers, was already dealt with in the beginning. The blogger may think that he "earns" the samples and selfishly would like to "earn" free beer from all the other breweries, too. As I see it, most of the beer bloggers tell that the reason for their blogging to steer the readers' beer drinking habits towards more cultivated alcohol culture i.e. drinking better and less beer than the Average Bud does. Since the samples are not that good and the blogger would like to get more of them... Ummm, can anyone else smell double standard here? "Just do as I say, don't do as I do", right? Well, so much for the respect from the blogger to the audience.

So am I really asking the breweries to stop sending bloggers free beer samples? No, they would send them anyway. Am I asking the bloggers to stop posting about the samples they receive? Hell no, it's not my decision. I'm trying to point out that getting some sample bottles or cans from breweries for free isn't actually a privilege or a reward but a steering device for what your blog is about and what your blog followers are reading. And when the free beers are mostly crap, your blog posts about them are mostly crap. Like every post on this blog.

Ölbeat

In a way I've already kinda revealed what song is played here. Tina Turner's Private Dancer is already reserved for other purposes (= extreme torture), so I chose a metaphor for the relationship between the brewery and its bi.. the blogger:

Genesis: Jesus He Knows Me (YouTube)

From the 1991 album We Can't Dance, the song was written by Tony Banks, Phil Collins and Mike Rutherford.

   
* Here 'package' means only the container where the cans or bottles were sent. The cans or bottles will be properly emptied to the sewage system and replaced with other ones filled with water. Why? Because I'm a sick pervert and have a secret crush on prohibition. Thank you for forcing me to reveal that, too. Of course, there's always an option to forget my promises, share the beer with the neighbour dude and have product placement in the pics of my home album. 
** I couldn't compare beer bloggers to professional, cheap or free gigolos here. That would have been too offensive. Towards the cheap and the free gigolos, I mean. Even though the beer bloggers are easily fucked, no one would even consider fucking one even for free. Right, chap?    

Ölmönger Special: Why should you avoid beer festivals? Part 2: People

In the first part of this two-part miniseries about the reasons to stay away from beer festivals and events, we discussed the things:

• how much money you lose by attending
• why the beer selection can't attract the consumer and
• what makes the events predetermined "must-have" and in fact unworthy experiences.

"Going to the BeerFest? It's a bit crowded here..."

Since things are usually simple and understandable you can easily pass them, just accept that you spend a fairly large sum of money to a limited amount of non-special beer and a trivial experience at its best and buy the ticket. That's why we have take a look at the complex and illogical element of the beer festivals: people.

* * *

Let's start with the minority: the people behind the counter. The brewers or their representatives are there because they want to get the audience to know their products, thereby add the demand of their brews and thereby make a better living. For that goal, wasting a couple days by pouring drinks to and babbling nonsense with more or less drunk customers is quite inefficient. Hearing the same stories of people's experiences of either their brewery or previous events, the same praises of their beers, the same taste descriptions and the same "I love beer, people, everything" rants again and again gets boring quickly. The time and the money would be much better spent at the brewery improving the beer recipes and brewing more and better beer, and then making the salespeople work for their salary by expanding their products' market area. Quitting not only attending beer festivals but also whining about the legal obstacles of practicing their profession would show progressive thinking.

The organizers tell us that they're "taking the beer culture forward" and "bringing beer people together". Well, even though we're living in a society polluted by social media, people still get together, drink better beer than ever and so the beer culture develops by itself without artificial and superficial polishing. The organizers get away with a nice profit with low costs and without serious effort, so the fairytale pays off very well.

* * *

Then we get to the audience. The crowd. The beer people. You and your 1 357 so-called friends. The real problem.

First, there's always too much audience. I somehow understand how people gather to concerts, sport events, public lectures, riots and even Sunday service, since there's something like the agenda. But in beer events there's not, since brewers, honored guests or so-called beer experts having a word or two of stupid trivial sh*t that no one is even remotely interested in, does not serve the purpose. There's just beer, not particularly special beer, as we noticed in the previous post.

Not enough beer, but decent glasses per people ratio

Second, most of the people are wasted: they either lose their plan to control their drinking or don't even have that plan in the beginning. That makes them canned faster than Carlsberg. When they become drunk, they get noisy and annoying. Unluckily it happens to be that way, that the people who tend to have some control on their drinking are noisy or at least annoying enough even when sober. So, what else can you do with these people than start drinking your brains and feet out.

* * *

Of course, if there were just a lot of people getting drunk, that would basically be a typical night at the pub. A ridiculously large pub with a ridiculous number of people inside, to be exact. But no: it comes to who the people are - too many are craft beer hipsters. The definition of craft beer hipster: an occasional beer drinker, who flies with the beer trends and changes his own ones just for fun. If you tell that you drank and liked a beer that the hipster recommended you last week, it's already out of fashion. If you tell him that you liked a beer that he doesn't know or hasn't tasted, he's seemingly annoyed and can't admit to have liked it after having it a week later. The hipster's behaviour and appearance are another story, but that's not worth further exploring.

In addition to the hipsters there are two smaller beer-drinker groups that bug you to the bone when seen in beer events. 

First one is the raters: those beer enthusiasts who seem to feel obliged to give each beer they ever drink a score. Sadly they do it in beer events, too: scratch their heads, make notes and give points with their smartphones or notebooks. Probably saving the notes and points in UnTappd, PintPlease, RateBeer, BeerAdvocate or some other rating database. While having their 25th different 1 deciliter sip of the day. My mouth would be pretty out of the game after five sips of different beers, and with a small dose like 1 dl (3,4 oz.) I have drunk the damn thing before it shows it true nature. Probably the raters have more stamina and speed in their mouth. However, the comparibility between beers hasn't got any credibility if done in a beer event. Somehow I've come to the conclusion that credibility isn't the word that should be attached to beer rating at all, since whether you like the beer a lot or not is eventually decided by your own mouth..

The other sad minority group often seen in beer events is the bloggers, self-centered bastards who write about beer and probably even rate it with descriptions in the Internet. These guys and girls aren't able to have fun in a beer event. They're constantly taking pictures of the beers that they drink and writing notes about them. So they're bad and boring company and should be avoided. After the event each of them publishes a blog post describing similar things: how they arrived to the event(!), the beers they tasted, the bad food they knew to be bad but still ate, the people they saw(!!), heard (!!!) or spoke with (!!!!), the overall mood they got from the event and some words of hindsight about the place, the prices or the organizing they call criticism. In the worst case, someone has got the "great" idea to have a blogger meeting before or during the event. Jesus, what kind of anticlimaxes of life, thought and discussion they must be.

The fun part in the event posts are the beer rankings or the descriptions of the beers, because the diversity of consumed beer isn't usually just a couple, rather 15-30 different brews. Basically describing the beers after losing the senses of sight, smell, taste and time and ranking something in an order during or after has the same problem as the rating does: you can't trust the descriptions or rankings at all.

* * *
       
You find blog posts about Tallinn Craft Beer Weekend in these Finnish blogs: Brewniverse, Humalablogi, Keikyblogi, Punavuori Gourmet, Tuopillinen, Tuopin ääressä (also the trip), Tyttö ja tuoppi and Vaahtokruunu.

On the other hand these bloggers spent a minute or two recollecting their memories of Helsinki Beer Festival: Arde arvioi (1st day & 2nd day), Bönthöö Bönthöö, Humalablogi, Kaunis humala, Keikyblogi, Maistuva mallas, mushiMALT (1st day & 2nd day), Pari sanaa oluesta, Tuopillinen and Tyttö ja tuoppi.

If you get sad when you can't understand texts that are utter crap, then sadly these all are in Finnish. After saying that, I must admit that I kinda liked the travel post that Johnny Rio at Tuopin ääressä made about his trip to Tallinn: I don't know what and how many mushrooms he ate while writing but I'd like to have the same.

Now I hear some colleague blogger cry out: "How can you call my blogpost on Halapaluuza Tap Party crap?" Well, darling, let's say I've actually read your blog and compared the level of your event posts to the level of your normal posts. You don't actually raise the bar by carving sculptures from extrement after writing mostly good and even some excellent stuff, do you?

I see the confusion in the colleague's face but then a victory smile: "But still: how can you call any blog posts crap? You write worse than the rest of us. Your Ölbeats are from the deepest sh*t sewer tunnels that no one of us others has ever had nightmares about." Exactly, honey. You're learning.
     

Special Ölbeat

I shouldn't be picking on people, people are not bad. People are shiny and happy:

R.E.M.: Shiny Happy People (Youtube)

From the 1991 album Out of Time, the song was written by R.E.M. The song is hated even by the band itself. I would probably give this track one to the top spots of the most annoying and redundant songs ever. It fits perfectly to this continuum of meaninglessness.